I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
