Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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