no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
