dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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