I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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