She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Everyone says I win the strip club
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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