Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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