I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
