I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
God I need to hump something, right now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
