do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
bring money and cleavage
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
