Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
