I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
