Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
