u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
