Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
