she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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