Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
