I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
