I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
