God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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