glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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