those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
