I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
