I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
