I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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