what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
