Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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