Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
