i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
