Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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