3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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