theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
