Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(404): View more from Georgia

Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.

Fav 16 846 4208
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(805): View more from California

the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie

Fav 20 6679 1137
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(619): View more from California

His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

Fav 9 4829 1555
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(712): View more from Iowa

They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.

Fav 6 2937 1714
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(432): View more from Texas

I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

Fav 12 1107 4157
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(213): View more from California

hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"

Fav 17 1350 1260
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(269): View more from Michigan

I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.

Fav 3 796 749
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW

Fav 0 403 130
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(317): View more from Indiana

According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?

(513): View more from Ohio

Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?

Fav 0 190 22
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