you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
