Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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