Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
