Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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