i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
