well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
