Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
