she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
