he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
