dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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