Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Can Purell be used as lube?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
