I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
