I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
