i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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