hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
