I could make wine with my vomit
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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