Your dad touched me again.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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