i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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