well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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