How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
