I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
