dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
