This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dicks are not precious.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
