You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
