ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
