Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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