I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
