I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
