dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
